Gender is a fetish

Myth-busting Monday: gender is a fetish.

 

For our culture, the collective, and our personal experiences, this is likely true, at least in part.

 

But let’s backup:  what is a fetish, verses related terms, like paraphilia and partialism?

  • Fetishes are sexual interests or behaviors required for sexual arousal and are often considered nontraditional…..however, historically who was defining “traditional” was problematic and would pathologize behaviors and practices that were outside of the definer’s understanding and worldview1.
  • Paraphilia is sometimes used interchangeably with the word fetish. There is a paraphilic disorder listed in the DSM (meaning it is a diagnosable condition) when it causes distress to the individual.
    • Nearly half of people surveyed have interest in a paraphilia and men and women were not statistically different1
  • Partialism is “an erotic preoccupation with a nonreproductive body part”2

 

Gender is a biopsychosocial (biology plus psychological/mental plus cultural and societal) construct that includes identity, expression, roles, and experience3 and is not synonymous with sex assigned at birth, hormones, chromosomes, or gentials.  To be clear, gender is not genital centric and is heavily influenced by culture.

 

Our culture is very committed to the sexual binary, dichotomy, and opposition.  As a culture, we have a deep belief in sex and gender related differences and focus on these differences to explain and reinforce intersexual antagonism.  In my personal and professional opinion, it is this assumed and reinforced difference through gender policing that leads to a lot of personal and relational distress, including power imbalances within relationships.

 

But I suspect that this cultural obsession and reinforcement of strict gender expectations and roles is a form of fetishism.  Ester Perel and Jack Morin4 both discuss eroticism as requiring an element of mystery or an obstacle…..there needs to be something there impeding a full understanding and mergence with another, and that impediment creates craving and desire (…….um, yum….).  Our heteronormative culture creates these genders, widens the gap between them, and in doing so, creates obstacle and difference…..thereby fueling heterosexual, erotic flames.

 

Do we need these gender differences to feel desire?  No, particularly for those of us that step outside of hetero normative and/or cis normative categories.  I do find it interesting though that as a gender expansive person that often has a femme appearance, my cis-gender male partners are less attracted and interested in me when I don’t don a more hyper feminine appearance.  Noticing that within my own relationships as well as within the culture at large helped me to recognize that for many folks, gender is a fetish.  People often prefer a certain expression from their partners around gender, in heterosexual relationships in particular, to be erotically interested or aroused.  Is gender then a fetish in normative relationships?5 and even within our culture at large?  It is complicated, but in part, I suspect this is true.

 

Questions for the reader:

  • How does gender show up in your intimate (sexual or non) relationships?
  • How does gender expression impact your desire of or perceived worthiness of desire from others?
  • If you think of gender as being a type of fetish, does that add appeal to playing with gender expression and roles in your relationships?
  • How does our culture’s cis and heteronormativity impact your relationships?
  • How does our culture benefit from reinforcing gender norms and binaries? What are the power dynamics and systems at play? Perhaps this power differential is part of why gender is so heavily reinforced.

 

Resources

  1. Joyal and Carpentier. The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey  https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26941021/
  2. Bering, J. Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us https://bookshop.org/p/books/perv-the-sexual-deviant-in-all-of-us-jesse-bering/8481544?aid=14115&ean=9780374534837&listref=sexuality-gender-health-wellness
  3. Iantaffi A and Barker MJ. How to Understand Your Gender https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-understand-your-gender-a-practical-guide-for-exploring-who-you-are-meg-john-barker/9977941?aid=14115&ean=9781785927461&listref=sexuality-gender-health-wellness
  4. Morin, J. The Erotic Mind  https://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Mind-Unlocking-Sources-Fulfillment/dp/0060984287/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2ZJUOQ59V4H6J&keywords=the+erotic+mind&qid=1666020204&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjIyIiwicXNhIjoiMi4wOCIsInFzcCI6IjEuOTkifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=the+erotic+mind%2Caps%2C113&sr=8-1 and Perel, E. Mating In Captivity https://bookshop.org/p/books/mating-in-captivity-unlocking-erotic-intelligence-esther-perel/7385511?aid=14115&ean=9780060753641&listref=sexuality-gender-health-wellness
  5. Other gender related fetishes that are more openly discussed in existant writing are things like cross-dressing or the fetishization of gender non-conforming or gender expansive folk. I am more interested in examining what we might take for granted as a culture, that is the fetishization of what we assume are normative gender expressions.

 

…………………………………………………………….

The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-positive/affirming, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/they); copyright protected, please cite accordingly.  The graphic is mine.

One of the things that sets me apart from other sexuality professionals:  I am a systems thinker and notice the scaffolding and patterns that many fail to see and account for in their own education and client engagement. I believe that by recognizing patterns and systems, we can approach our own sexuality and relationships with greater autonomy and consent. 

For more offerings that support sexual well-being, please see: https://ignitewell-being.com/upcoming_events/

For more information on my offerings or to work with me directly, please email ignitewellbeing.naperville@gmail.com or schedule with me via Calendly https://calendly.com/ignitewellbeing-naperville

For access to more content and to support my work, please visit and sign up for membership on my Patreon page https://www.patreon.com/ignitewellbeing