Myth-busting Monday: Sex rooms – the next thing we all need.
Or do we?
For those that don’t have Netflix, there is a new show out called How to Build a Sex Room. I appreciate this show for normalizing conversations around sex, but I have hesitated to watch it fully as I know it frustrates me. However, I do love it when friends and family reach out to let me know they’ve watched it (as in hey, let’s tell our favorite sex educator about a sex show we enjoyed! – cute)
(What we are really selling is inadequacy to create a want so people spend money)
The problem with the whole sex room idea? The capitalistic encouragement of needing/wanting more shit. We are burdened with so many space needs (or needs that we are told we should have and fix to solve) in a house: separate bedrooms for all the kids, a home gym, in-law suite, home office….and now, a sex room. It isn’t realistic for most folks, but it creates a sense of lack and scarcity, which fuels our sense of inadequacy, leading us, in theory, to be good buyers/acquirers and feed the capitalism engine1.
Additionally, any room can be a sex room if you want it to be. Sure, you might not be able to leave your floggers out in the family room unless you want to explain them to the kids or less intimate friends, but being able to make any space into a sex room is innovative and creative (which is how sexy sex works anyway2). Who wants to only have sex in one room of the house anyway?….(yawn) boring.
Reminder, you can rent a sex room – a hotel (if all you need is a bed and bathroom, done and done) to a dungeon (yes, you can rent already equipped spaces3), all of which are likely cheaper than an upfront cost of remodeling a space and acquiring all the adult toys your little heart can fit into a sex space.
(Can a sex room save a marriage?)
What also bothers me about the show? The clip that is recycled in the trailer of the couple announcing how a sex room saved their marriage. This is sweet and hopeful, but I also have my doubts as it feels very much like our American quick-fix mentality. What fixes a marriage or any relationship is often not a toy or a room full of toys. It is communication; negotiation of needs, wants, expectations; exploration, trying something new, and curiosity toward one another; narrowing/eliminating the orgasm gap; slow, exploratory sex; personal growth; etc. The toy or a room might facilitate some of these components, but it is unlikely that toys and/or rooms are the saviors of relationships; these components are the relationship saviors. But we often prefer our quick fixes over the longer-term, more challenging, and more vulnerable solutions like learning nonviolent communication skills, being willing to lower expectations, practice non-attachment to expectations, try something new, enhance self-awareness and emotional literacy, understand how cultural scripts may be hampering your sex lives, have playful sex, understanding social hierarchies, privilege, and power dynamics, and be fully present for/mindful during an intimate encounter and your partner/s as people not objects – big adult skills with even benefits that accrue over time. So, yeah, maybe the sex toy or sex room is easier, but I would also suspect once the novelty wears off, the underlying issues in a relationship may still be there (particularly if the bigger hitting concepts like communication and mindfulness are taken for granted).
This is not too different from the “Give a Great BJ” class for example – there is no such thing. Every body is literally different, and pleasuring your partner orally has more to do with willingness and ability to communicate and self-assess than it does in taking a class, but that’s not what people want to hear – they buy into the inadequacy and quick fix for sale behind these classes.
So do we all need sex rooms? No. Any room can be a sex room, at least if you are playful and curious enough. What would likely benefit people more is learning skills for communication and consent, with awareness of how power dynamics (consensual and non), cultural nonsense, and privilege impact our relationships. How do you get these skills?, through practice (talk about fun homework!), education (books, webinars, one on ones), and recognizing that we didn’t get these skills in our high school sex ed and we have to continue to work toward self and cultural improvement. It is not a one and done sex room or job.
For more educational opportunities, feel free to check out my events here: https://www.eventbrite.com/o/allison-mitch-41024584863 – many of my events have associated support groups so that you can take what you learned and continue to be accountable and grow. You can also check out my bookshop for my favorite educational books on sexuality: https://bookshop.org/shop/Ignitewell-being (ps if you buy from this bookshop, you support small bookstores and those that have read and recommended the books, like me).
Thanks for reading community. Wishing you happy myth-busting and joyful, rewarding sex.
Resources:
- Capitalism isn’t all bad, of course. Like anything it is a both/and. However, our toxic capitalistic drive is related to climate change, oppressive systems and colonialism, and trauma (self and collective). It is beyond the intent of this blog to write about this, but if you are interested, reading almost any book on social justice and climate change will go into more detail for you.
- What makes amazing sex?, watch for a future blog from me. You can also check out one of my favorite books on sexuality – Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz
- Chicago Dungeon Rentals: https://www.chicagodungeonrentals.com/
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The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-positive/affirming, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/her/they/them); copyright protected, please cite accordingly. The picture is from Pexels.
For more offerings that support well-being, please see: https://ignitewell-being.com/upcoming_events/ or my EventBrite page: https://www.eventbrite.com/o/allison-mitch-41024584863
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