Well-being Wednesday: sexual well-being and the orgasm gap.
Have you heard of the orgasm gap? It is essentially the disparity of orgasms that exist between the partners in a heterosexual couple. That is, heterosexual women are less likely to achieve orgasm than their partner. The numbers differ between studies, but one cited set of numbers – while 95% of heterosexual men usually or always reach orgasm, only 65% of heterosexual women do (the lowest scoring demographic compared to lesbian and bisexual women as well). (https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311 and https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/).
Why? Researchers suspect a number of things:
🌺Inadequate knowledge of female sexual anatomy. Ex some say that labeling all the anatomy “down there” as the vagina, rather than vulva, clitoris, etc not only perpetuates this ignorance but is akin to symbolic female genital mutilation (see Dr. Laurie Mintz of Becoming Cliterate). Naming things creates categories and awareness of them in our brains.
🌺Others suspect it’s the expectation that women “should” orgasm from penetration alone (most don’t, despite what media including porn, might depict; given our abysmal sex education here in the US, many look to media for how-tos & “shoulds”).
🌺Another suggestion – heterosexual couples spend less time on sexual encounters, less time kissing, less time enjoying non-genital contact than women partnered with women (http://www.cecity.com/aoa/women_well/feb_11/print5.pdf).
🌺Some think it might be the stigmatizing of self-pleasure. If you don’t know how to reach orgasm on your own, it’s likely more difficult in partnered+ settings. (Betty Dodson, a pioneer in normalizing women’s self pleasure passed away recently. #restinpleasure Betty).
🌺Also, people have a really difficult time talking about sex – it’s assumed that you shouldn’t have to ask what your partner likes, you should just know. Rather than expect our partners to be psychic or telepathic when it comes to sexual pleasure, it should be recognized that every body/partner is different and a learning and creativity opportunity.
🌺Big picture: it’s a cultural problem and requires use to challenge our sexual scripts/norms/conversations/education. Orgasms are pleasurable of course, but have health and wellness benefits including reducing stress and improving sleep (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/orgasm-health-benefits_n_4143213 ).
Paradoxically, feeling pressured to have an orgasm or making that the goal of a sexual experience can make achieving an orgasm more difficult (anxiety and stress can be orgasm inhibitors). Some women enjoy sex and intercourse without orgasming, and for them, the orgasm gap might not be a major hang up.
How do you and your partner(s) navigate those gap? (Assuming there is one in your relationship). How have you overcome discomfort discussing these issues (if they exist) with your partner(s)?
Interested in joining us for a safe space to discuss pleasure, sexual and non? Join us for a pleasure café and/or Let’s Talk About Sex Book Club. Please see events page for the current dates and email me to rsvp at ignitewellbeing.naperville@gmail.com
#happyhumpday 🖤 #endtheorgasmgap #socialjustice #pleasuregap #sexualwellness #sexualitycounseling #themoreyouknowthemoreyougrow
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Written by Dr. Allison Mitch, copyright protected, please cite accordingly. Originally posted to social media on 11/18/20. Image is from Pexels.
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