How much sex are you having?

Myth-busting Monday: How much sex you are having is a good indicator of your sexual wellbeing, solo and/or as a couple(+).




This fixation on the amount of sex (solo or partnered) someone is having is a common concern in sexuality counseling (and therapy, but I work in and can speak to sexuality counseling).  “We”, that is the greater society we, assume that everyone is having more partnered sex than us and that more sex is better (and “we” tend to look down on solo sex, so the relationship is opposite – don’t masturbate “too much”).


However, the primary concern with how much sex one is having misses so many other considerations.  Most importantly, perhaps, is:  How do you feel about the sex you are having?, is it “good” sex?, and how do you define “good”? Numbers are measurable and objective, whereas feelings are trickier – subjective and hard to quantify.   Additional considerations besides feelings:  how is your sexual communication with your partner(s)?, can you ask for what you need and want and are those asks acknowledged and acted on?  Moreover:  Do you want more or less sex than what you are currently having? Are you concerned about how the frequency of sex has changed in the duration of your relationship, if you are partnered? Are you concerned about a desire discrepancy (different level of desire for sex) between you and your partner/s?…….  So many more questions worthy of exploring than “how much”.


Further, wanting to know numbers and averages reflects on a common desire to be “normal”.  “We” want to know what others are doing so we can gauge our own experience.  The problem with “normal” sex, besides bypassing how you feel about the sex you are having, is that our culture has a problem with sex.  “Normal” sex is not communicative, it might be painful, it is awkward, and creates self-consciousness and performance anxiety. The desire to be “normal” keeps you from being your fullest, sexually-authentic, sexually-intelligent self.   (For more on sexual intelligence and the limitations of normal sex, read Marty Klein’s book Sexual Intelligence).


Forget numbers and forget “normal”, whatever that means.  From never having sex to sex several times a day, my hope as a sexuality counselor is that you are having a healthy sex life (defined by Doug Braun Harvey here: ), full of pleasure, that feels in alignment with your vision and goals for yourself and your partner(s).


Happy myth-busting, community.



The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), sexuality counselor and educator; copyright protected, please cite accordingly.  The picture is from Pexels.  To work with me or for more information, please email  Or check out my other offerings on sexual well-being here:


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*Please note that none of the above information is specific medical advice, but is meant as educational information only.  If you have concerns about your health, please contact a trusted healthcare professional*