Myth-busting Monday: are there kinky people in the burbs?
Yes, kinksters live in the burbs, though the lack of events and spaces for them are nearly non-existent – most dungeons, kink related stores, and meetups are in cities. One of the topics my clients want to discuss with me is the feeling of isolation as a kinkster in the suburbs.
It is understandable if you are a kinkster in the burbs or rural area looking for community and feeling isolated based on the paucity of in-person, local offerings. But, as a sexuality counselor that hears about all.the.things., I can tell you that you aren’t alone. According to some1, as many as 40% of Americans are kinky.
So what are you to do if you are new to the ‘scene’ and wanting to learn more but are currently located in the ‘burbs or a rural area? With the covid-19 pandemic, some workshops and munches went virtual – check Meetup for one source of virtual gatherings hosted by dungeons or kink or leather groups. Fetlife is another option; it is a social media platform for kinksters that features events, some virtual, some not. There is also a learning platform called Kink Academy (https://www.kinkacademy.com/ ) that offers hundreds (thousands?, so many) of how-to videos, from consent, negotiation, and safety to rope play and more.
Other ideas to make kink more accessible to the suburbans without the supporting supply stores (and, possibly, the related funds – sex toys are expenisve) – pervertables. These are household items that you can turn into sex toys, like spatulas, soy and/or paraffin candles, combs, wooden spoons, chopsticks, and ice cubes and cold packs. The hardware store can also be your friend – an excellent source of rope and chains. You can also approximate the kinky tools with the standard non-kinky ones – that is, a riding crop from a sex store is likely more expensive than a riding crop from a farm supply or horseback riding supply store. Goodwill can be an excellent resource – then you can keep your pervertables separate from your food prep items. Goodwill also has the possibility of costume finds – for those that like character or furry play.
Still more ideas?, if sensation1a is part of your kinky play, you can find de-sexualized ways to meet those needs if you don’t have a partner or don’t have any local groups (consent is important – don’t make a situation sexual that others are not agreeing to). For instance, tattoos and piercings are intense sensation without being explicitly sexual. Intense workouts can also be intensely sensual, where pleasure can meet pain and meet some of those sensation desires. Further, some workouts like silks mimic rigging and rope play, lyra and trapeze can cause artful, sensation-provoking bruising, and pole dancing is physically challenging, sensual (that bar can bruise), and sexy1b.
A word of caution – please do make safety and ethics central to your practice for your own body and those of your partner/s. Before you play, ask an experienced practitioner how to play with certain items, use resources like Kink Academy or a quality sex shop, or hire a sexuality educator or counselor to teach you. Play done well is risk aware and actively negotiated2.
- https://nypost.com/2018/01/31/your-partner-probably-wants-a-kinkier-sex-life/
- Note too that kink can mean a variety of things, sensation play, BDSM, etc – if you don’t know what it means to your person or play group, ask. Also, there is nothing wrong with vanilla – see https://ignitewell-being.com/no-one-likes-vanilla/ Sometimes kink has nothing to do with sex specifically……see more in 1b
- Please note that not all people that are sensation seeking are doing so as a form of seeking sexual experiences. Further, people can enjoy tattoos, piercings, various workouts and experiences as art forms, means of self-“improvement”, exploration/experiementation. But, for some folks with an interest in intense sensations, there are ways to meet that in non-sexual experiences if desired.
- Trained sexuality educators and counselors can assist you in learning sexual communication and negotiation. These are foundational skills for all sexually active adults, kinky or not. You can understand the boundaries and expectations of your partner/s and they can better understand yours, which improves an encounter exponentially. Personally, if you can’t discuss it, maybe you aren’t ready to do it.
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The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-positive/affirming, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/her/they/them); copyright protected, please cite accordingly. The picture is from Pexels.
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