Polyamory is All Rainbows and Unicorns

Myth-busting Monday: polyamory is all rainbows and unicorns

 

(pun intended)

 

When this idealization fails to pan out, which it might, people are generally surprised.

 

A form of relationship diversity, polyamory is a style of consensual nonmonogamy1 that emphasizes emotional connection (poly – many, amory – loves).  Folks in the polyam community range from tolerating to celebrating their partners’ additional relationships (ie compersion) to even experiencing arousal from their partners’ partnerships (cuckolding, cuckqueaning).  Polyamorous relationship structures can take a variety of forms as well – solo polyamory to complex polycules, hierarchical or non.

 

As this diverse community works to gain visibility and acceptance, they often highlight the benefits in media – additional intimacies, partnered experiences, and love; flexibility in crafting a relationship style that you want verses one that is culturally expected; broadening family structure and support system which can help with practical aspects like finances and childcare.

 

The emphasizing of the benefits of polyamory assists with the social acceptance of the practice.  However, this relationship style has challenges, some of which are readily talked about.  We more commonly hear about the jealousy struggles and time management snafus.  More folks are now discussing the difficulty with polyamory and those with insecure attachment2 – polyamory is an insecure relationship style, and without the supports of (false?) securities our culture has come to rely on for a sense of safety in relationship, like family support or marriage, there can be fear, anxiety, misunderstandings, impaired communication, etc.  These are all real concerns and can be tackled with self & polycule inquiry and awareness, communication, even counseling if needed.

 

There are other concerns we don’t often hear about in the media, but I have seen in clients – grief3.  Individuals might grieve the relationship style they had previously, they might grieve the loss of or changes to expectations around their relationship, they might grieve shifting attentions and energies from partners, and, of course, there is the more expected grief from breakups.

 

Taking a step back, grief can be a necessary component to feeling and healing; as the saying goes, you can’t heal what you can’t feel.  Some see grief as a form of ritual – it marks transition and honors what was and, perhaps, what will be.  According to some, grief is also a manifestation of love4.  Grief is a difficult and complex emotion, in particular because it is uncomfortable and very rarely linear.  It is possible to be in grief and also in joy – to hold both, contradictory states at the same time; here a person may grieve the ending of a relationship chapter while they hold joy and anticipation for a new chapter.

 

People that practice polyamory tend to be on the more emotive side5 – for example, they’re often drawn to the emotional engagement of multiple relationships.  Feeling complex, nuanced, deep emotions such as grief makes sense for a group of people that have more emotional bandwidth and interest than others.  Further, the non-normative, craft-your-adventure style of this relationship demands a high level of emotional intelligence (self-awareness, communication ability, empathy, etc) for folks to establish boundaries and expectations.

 

Polyamory can be a great fit for some and a no-go for others – our capacity for a diverse spectrum of relationships is incredible6.  But sugarcoating a relationship type by emphasizing the “good” without contemplating the “bad”7 can leave those that are hurting confused, as if they are doing something wrong, which furthers hurt and can even lead to shame. Relationships are challenging…. period.  Adding a layer of complexity by learning a new model makes it more so. If you are experiencing grief, you are not necessarily the problem, and grief can be a normal part of the human experience.  Please seek out the support of loved ones or trained health or wellness professionals to get the support you need.

 

Questions for the reader:

  • If you have navigated diverse relationship structures, what have you learned about yourself from those experiences? And what has it taught you about our cultural expectations around relationships?
  • If you experienced emotional challenges while navigating relationships (any kinds, as all have challenges), what have been helpful coping strategies?
  • In consideration of grief, what types of grief are you familiar with? Have you experienced unanticipated grief? (ex from a relationship transition that you thought would be joyful)

 

 

 

Resources

  1. There are many styles of relationship diversity, outside of monogamy and polyamory. Please see GSRD document by MJ Barker as a great starting point: https://www.bacp.co.uk/media/5877/bacp-gender-sexual-relationship-diversity-gpacp001-april19.pdf I focus on polyamory here as that is a more commonly discussed alternative to monogamy, and I have worked with more clients identifying as polyamorous than other relationship diversities
  2. See Polysecure by Jessica Fern
  3. As a death café facilitator, I am familiar with grief – the nuance, complexities, and unexpectedness.
  4. See https://blogs.webmd.com/relationships/20191030/your-grief-is-a-reflection-of-your-love#:~:text=According%20to%20Dr.,grief%2C%20you%20must%20understand%20love. To feel something so deeply that we grief its passing, we must have deeply loved it.
  5. When Someone You Love is Polyamorous by Elizabeth Sheff
  6. For additional resources on polyamory, see other books by Elizabeth Sheff, as well as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton. Please note too that there are racial disparities in relationship diverse communities, which need to be corrected – see Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin A Patterson.  Polyamory does tend to have gender and orientation diversity though (hence my earlier pun).  Depending on how you like to obtain your information (books, audio, in-person, etc), there are also groups on meetup as well as podcasts.  As a sexuality counselor, I can assist clients in navigating these relationship dynamics. If you would like one on one assistance, please see my contact info below.
  7. Good vs bad is likely a false binary here – I hate false binaries.  Life is complicated and often a both/and #QueerTheory #PostStructuralist

 

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The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-affirming, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/her/they/them); copyright protected, please cite accordingly.  The graphic is mine.

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