Myth-busting Monday: You don’t owe access to your entire erotic self to your partner/s.
This is true.
Relationships are as different as the individuals that occupy them and there are few rules that work for everyone1 (although our culture will happily tell you otherwise and blame your failures over its own) so if this doesn’t work for you, that’s fine – take what serves you and leave the rest.
Some couples prefer full transparency, in which they share everything (most things?). Others prefer privacy and have boundaries around what they share – it is not uncommon to keep parts of your eroticism to yourself and not share with your partner. This might happen for a variety of reasons – maybe you want aspects of yourself for yourself for privacy or solitude or power, maybe you are ashamed of certain erotic elements or fantasies1, maybe you don’t know how to communicate about your eroticism, maybe there are other reasons…… Regardless, having an intimate, safe space to discuss and negotiate what you owe your partner/s and/or what they expect from you can be powerful and illuminating for your relationship. (And how many folks even have these discussions or realize negotiations in a relationship are “a thing”???)
A related consideration – Why do we desire what we do? No one quit knows, as sexuality is a biopsychosocial construct as unique as the person under consideration2. However, there tend to be shared themes particularly across times and culture3. Understanding the both/and of desire and fantasy – that yours are unique to you but there are shared elements across individuals particularly in the same culture, rounds out some of the shame that folks feel around their eroticism and sharing that eroticism with partner/s. (Of course, you could just have a junky partner or poor relationship dynamic that makes sharing your inner erotic life not worth your time…..)
Questions for the reader:
1. How have you communicated your eroticism, fantasy, and desires to partner/s? Have those strategies worked?
2. How fixed are your desires and fantasies? Are they fairly constant or fluid?
3. How in touch are you with your internal sense of eroticism4? How has culture limited or enhanced your access to your erotic self? And how does privilege play into your desire and ability to work toward your desires?
Interested in discussing desire and fantasy? We have 2 upcoming events in Feb 2022 – 1) our lunch and learn on Feb 9th at 12pm central examining the above questions and 2) our Savor book club event Feb 14th 6pm central discussing Lehmiller’s book Tell Me What You Want. Email me to register (pre-registration is required).
Wishing you all vibrant connection to your inner eroticism.
References and Resources
1. Although our culture will happily tell you otherwise and blame your failures over the cultural failing of hoisting a heavy, unrealistic, and abstract ideal of “normal”, including “normal relationships”, on people
2. Morin, J. The Erotic Mind – this book examines how we develop some of our erotic fantasies and themes.
3. Lehmiller, J. Tell Me What You Want
4. One of my favorite writing pieces on eroticism is Audre Lorde’s Uses of the Erotic https://fredandfar.com/blogs/ff-blog/the-erotic-as-power-by-audre-lorde
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The above content is written by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-positive, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/her/they/them); copyright protected, please cite accordingly. The graphic is mine.
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