Arousal is a Reflection of Interest

Myth-busting Monday:  Your partner/s’ level of arousal is not a reflection of their interest in or desire of you.

 

True.

 

This topic came to me by way of a Pleasure Café (TM) group participant (her partner is cis-male) and studies indicating that young men without erectile dysfunction (ED) are now using viagra as a “performance-enhancing” drug.1

 

This person was concerned that their partner was less attracted to them when his erection was less-than his more typical expression2.  Her concern likely mirrors reasons why young men without diagnosed ED are taking the medication – there is an expectation of performance, from the person with the penis taking the drug or from their partner.

 

Bodies vary – within an individual over time and, more obviously, across individuals.  When it comes to sex, which is biopsychosocial3, bodies respond differently to different stimulus depending on context (stress, distractions, fatigue, medical issues, relationship issues, recent sexual activity, etc).  Not every erection will be the same.

 

This variation applies to people with vulvas – the level of lubrication and engorgement of tissues (yes, vulvas can change with arousal!) during sexual activity will vary across individuals and within an individual, context-depending.  Yet, with vulvas, if needed, we can add lube4 – cheap and low risk of side effects.

 

Unlike lube, Viagra can have side effects that can be hazardous5.  Further, taking Viagra when there are concerns about erectile performance can mask medical issues, such as cardiovascular conditions.6 Common medications and substances, like alcohol, can also contribute to changes in erections7 as well.  So, if you have concerns about the quality of and changes in engorgement or lubrication, please seek the counsel of a trusted healthcare provider.

 

What I suspect is happening is that we are putting unrealistic pressure and expectations on our partners, which feeds into patterns of behavior, like young men wanting to beat those expectations with Viagra.  Instead, talking to your partner/s about your concerns, rather than making assumptions about their arousal and desire, can be incredibly helpful to ease your concerns and likely theirs (they probably know something is off and then act differently or their body responds differently, feeding another cycle).  For example: How does the person, with the body in question, feel about their “performance”?  Is sex performative for you or them? (and ohhhhh, that – the performative nature of sex – can keep us counselors busy!) Are they distressed about changes in sexual response?  Or are you distressed because of the cultural meaning of it?  Do they desire you? How else does desire and arousal show up? If erectile tissue isn’t responding but is preferred for penetration, what other activities can you incorporate that might be enjoyable?7 How does your sexual communication or lack thereof impact your relationship? If you feel confused or insecure as a partner, can you speak to your partner directly?  And, possibly most importantly, ask if they are aroused and want to have sex – levels of lubrication and tissue engorgement are not measures of consent.

 

Talking to your partner/s and riding the variability (pun intended) allows for people to be present for their partners as they are, mindfully, in the moment, and still enjoy themselves.  This is the idea behind good enough sex (GES)9. The authors behind this construct of GES even address erectile variability directly: “The acceptance of variability in erection, intercourse and orgasm is not reinforced by other men, but is acknowledged and reinforced by women, thus making GES more of a challenge to integrate into male sexuality” (Maurice and Metz 2007; please note most studies focus on cisgender and heterosexual folks). Perhaps then, it is not (just?) pressure from partners but pressure from men in general and constructs around masculinity in our patriarchal society that also keep men stuck in a performance-oriented, variation-is-bad headspace.

 

Regardless of the cultural influences, the takeaways for your bedroom are to 1) know that bodies vary for so very many reasons, 2) if there are concerns about changes in your body’s behavior, seek out the help of a healthcare provider, and 3) talk to your partner……I promise, it gets easier the more you do.

 

Resources:

  1. and and
  2. Tumescence
  3. Meaning that biology, psychology, and social/culture influence sexuality
  4. Lubricant – the use of this was stigmatized in the past, probably in part because our society is ageist and sexist (patriarchy sucks).  But lube can be a wonderful companion for your adult adventures.  My favorite brand is Good Clean Love – no, they don’t pay me to say that
  5. Check out the list – yikes:
  6. Ex https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/in-depth/erectile-dysfunction/art-20045141
  7. anti-hypertensives, muscle relaxants, anti-convulsives, H2 agonists, some anti-histamines, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, oral hair loss drugs, alcohol, tobacco
  8. PIV – penis in vagina sex can be restrictive secondary to expectations, sexual scripts (aka heteronormativity), and lack of imagination. What else can you all do?
  9. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681990601013492

 

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The above content and graphic were created by Dr. Allison Mitch, PT (DPT), RYT500; sex-positive, trauma-informed sexuality counselor and educator (she/her/they/them); copyright protected, please cite accordingly.

 

For more offerings that support sexual well-being, including Pleasure Café, please see: https://www.eventbrite.com/o/allison-mitch-41024584863   For more information on my offerings or to work with me directly, please email [email protected]

 

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